5 Predictions For The NBA Playoffs!

1. Raptors Win, Raptors Win, Raptors Win!

TJ Ford runs an efficient offense, Moon drives the ball, Delfino is a consistent player, Humphries passes first, Mitchell runs a 3 point play for Kapono, Bosh doesn't need to score 40 points every game, and Bargnani looks un-bewildered. Raptors win!

2. Dallas Wins 9th Seed!

Goodbye Dallas. It's nice to see that you mortgaged your future for J-Kidd. Here are 9 other things that are better than you: Hornets, Spurs, Jazz, Lakers, Suns, Rockets, Nuggets, Warriors and Ice Cream.

3. Morris Peterson Wins Finals MVP!

New Orleans makes the Finals and Mo-Pete goes for the greatest streak shooting display in NBA history, hitting 32 three pointers in one game. He makes every two point shot while getting fouled so that he never gets less than 3 points. Game 7 comes down to one last 3 point play, but before Peterson can get the ball, Vince Carter streaks onto the court and slaps him, pushing Carter out of the way Peterson gets ejected, and everyone in the world realizes that VC is the biggest knob-job in the NBA.

4. Utah Jazz Games Will Go Un-Televised!

The Utah Jazz are the Pittsburgh Pirates of the NBA, except they win. "Oh yeah... I forgot about that team. Are they in the playoff hunt? 4th? really?" So in keeping with this tradition of ignoring Utah the NBA will not televise their games. OR if they do decide to put them on TV, they'll make the Jazz uniforms out of a bright green so that they can be digitally eliminated from the broadcast. Phoenix will appear to play unopposed, but somehow still lose in 6.

5. Pistons vs. Spurs!!!!!!!

Because there is no justice in the world, this will be the finals match up. One of the most exciting NBA seasons in at least 10 years will wither out with this battle of boring. Who needs Celtics vs Lakers when you have Big Fundamentals vs Big Execution and nary an exciting play to be found.

Social Slayer

Andrea Bargnani plays basketball like I play Halo 3. Sometimes I get on a role where I can kill 4 or 5 guys without dying, and I think that I've "turned the corner" in the game and will now be a factor. But then I end up getting taken out consistently, or I start hanging back and trying to snipe people instead of being agressive and elbow-ramming them to death. When I am good, there's no rhyme or reason to it. When I'm bad, it's like I forgot that I was even good for the last five minutes.

The Bargage Man had 16 points in the first quarter of yesterday's game between Your Raptors and the Denver Nuggets. Then he didn't score one point in the rest of the game, got in foul trouble, and sat on the bench. When they announce him as a substitution in the middle of the game, they should say "Now checking in to Xbox Live, Brendan Halloran".


The next edition of The Panel is coming in a few. days.

HEARTBREAKER!!!!!!

It's over before it began.......

Friday morning I followed my normal game day routine. I awoke and ate a half bowl of honey bunches of oats (no milk), while flipping through the latest copy of The Gazeeler (Saint Mary's student newspaper). I always like to read Ron Charlies' column about the goings on in the athletic facility on campus. When done my cereal, I ironed all of my SMC jersey's, not picking which one I would wear until after I was done. With a few hours to game time, I jogged over to the nearby elementary school to play some pick-up with the kids on recess. I insisted that I get to be Mick McConnell. They agreed, and I spent the whole game sitting on the bench. Leaving the school I walked back home singing the school song:

"Let's all go to Saint Mary's way
Saint Mary's way
Saint Mary's way.
Let's all go to Saint Mary's way
they're my team, let's go!"

I got home, sat on the third cushion from the left, and was ready for the game. Call me superstitious, but this routine usually ends in a SMC victory.

But we didn't win. A disastrous second half left us on the outside looking in. Our boys just couldn't get it done, but I still gave them a standing ovation. After the game I headed to the Toronto branch of the Saint Mary's student pub (Tony's Hangout), and all the supporters and I shared some tears.

It's not easy being a Saint Mary's fan, there's been a lot of heartache over the years. But my resolve outweighs my disappointment, we'll be back next year, and I am guaranteeing a victory right now. The tournament is now over as far as I'm concerned.

March Madness

I've decided to do something different for the NCAA Tournament. Usually we pick the teams we like for some arbitrary reason, such as "I like Syracuse because the first basketball team I played on was called The Orangemen". So when the tournament comes around you half heartedly cheer for this team. To me, this isn't arbitrary enough. I wanted to throw all my support behind a team I have no business cheering for. So what I did is I entered all 64 teams into a random list generator I found on the internet, and said "whoever gets randomized to the top of the list will be my team this year, and I'll pretend like I've supported them my whole life, and I'll cry if they don't win, or at least put a bike pump through a wall like I did when Your Toronto Raptors got eliminated from the playoffs last year". So the team that raised to the top, and I raise my expectations for is:


Saint Mary's College Gaels (10)!!!!!!


Now I've loved this team all my life. I had my Dad paint SMC colours (red, blue, white) on my wall when I was young, and I still carry a pocket schedule for every year since 1987 in my breast pocket. When I graduated high school, I was accepted to SMC on a full scholarship, but turned it down. It had always been my dream to go to SMC, but I thought if I actually went I would die because I would have accomplished all my life goals. So I went somewhere else.

I feel really good about our squad this year. They're a bunch of characters and have most people calling them the Saint Mary's Yales, because of how smart they are on the court. I mean, what can you say about the point guard play of Patrick Mills? Or our big man in the middle Omar Samhan? You show me another centre that averages 10.6 points and 7.3 rebounds a game AND averages a 4.0 in academics. And there's no one more inspirational than the teams emotional leader Mickey McConnell. St. Mick (as his teammates and local press call him), may only average 1.0 points and .06 assists a game, but when the Yales need someone to jump of the bench and scream "YEEEEAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" after a big play, you can always count on St. Mick Mc.

So who are God's team playing? The gross and uninspiring Miami Hurricanes (7). This is one of the longest rivalries in sports, and I'm just hoping that things don't get ugly. We don't need team bruiser, Ian O'Leary, leaving the game because of flagrant fouls.

The big game is on the 21st (2 more days? who can sleep? I know!), so look for extensive coverage here on your Gaels.

Knuckleheads

My favourite show on television is Pardon The Interruption. I think that Tony Kornheiser and Mike Wilbon are one of the best entertainment duo's of all time. Put them right up there with Johnny and Ed, Aykroyd and Belushi, Conan and Andy. The rapport these two have is so good that when one of them is gone, the show isn't even half as entertaining. But I hear a lot of criticisms about this show from people. These people don't seem to think that PTI is the greatest show to grace the earth. So let's set the record straight.


Why All Of Your Criticisms Of Pardon The Interruption Are Wrong


1. They Never Talk About Hockey

This is the biggest one, and you're right. You're absolutely right. We live in Canada, and hockey is the biggest sport, and they never ever talk about hockey. And as much as I love hockey, thank GOD they don't talk about it. Do we not have enough hockey coverage in this country? It once got to the point where TSN had the show That's Hockey, then felt like it wasn't enough, so they created That's Hockey 2. 2!!! Different pundits, different analysis, different attitude!! There is no shortage of people talking about hockey, and it's actually nice to get some perspective on other sports that don't get covered as much up here like NCAA hoops and football. Hell, even MLB doesn't get much league wide coverage. Plus why do you want people who don't know much about hockey to talk about hockey? You wouldn't talk to a pool salesman about your roof. Unless you were putting a pool on your roof, which would be really awesome. Let me come over and swim.

2. They Argue All The Time

"I think the Houston Rockets will win 21 games in a row"

"I agree"

"I seriously think they'll do it"

"I'm onboard with this idea"

"They're a good team getting top notch coaching"

"I love the coach"

Faaaairly boring. This is what a lot of people don't get: it's not about being angry and yelling. TSN once tried to duplicate this format with a segment called "5 Minute Misconduct" or something equally mind numbing. They had Glen Healy and a Toronto Sun beat writer argue about hockey issues. It was unwatchable because it wasn't fun, Heals and the other guy thought they had to get angry with one another, and they just sat there bickering. Wilbon and Kornheiser are never actually angry, and the show is closer to how you and your friends would sit around and argue about sports. Like when Chuck Marshall comes home and says "Isn't the Texas A&M, Virginia Tech game on?" and I say "maybe, who cares?" and he says "These are two storied schools we should really be getting behind" and I say "I spilled juice on your dvds".

3. I'd Rather Watch An Hour of Off The Record

This is a lie. I'm sure no one has ever said this.

__________________________________________________

Some things coming up this month include the next edition of The Panel, AND we'll be doing something special for NCAA March Madness with some guest writers. There's also a pod cast in the works, so make sure you're speakers are plugged in.

Vidideo

Say what you will about George Strombolopapoo, the guy sure knows how to set up a basketball season. This is one of the best introductions for a game I've ever seen. His show The Hour should be retitiled The 90 Seconds and all he does is set up the next Raptors game.

General Silliness

You remember in elementary school when you had that friend who said that his Dad owned the CN Tower? And you would said "No Way! because MY Dad owns the CN Tower!". Well, both of you guys were lying because my Dad did actually own the CN tower. But don't feel so bad, because I was lying when I said I'd post soon and then didn't. We all lie, and I've forgiven you, so maybe you should forgive me?

Allllright.

It's a time honored tradition to watch hockey on Saturday night. Appointment TV. Of course we're drinking beers and watching Hockey Night In Canada, we do this EVERY Saturday. That is until this year. Perhaps I've grown too cynical, but Hockey Night In Canada is utter nonsense. But perhaps I'm wrong. Perhaps it is fun to watch Cassie Campbell teach Ron MacLean and a bunch of kids hockey drills. Perhaps the Satellite Hot Stove is biting commentary on the state of the US National Olympic Two-Way Squad. Perhaps Elliot Friedman's interviews with cardboard personalities ARE interesting. But not to me. So I decided to be resourceful in my quest for 7pm to 9pm entertainment.

This past Saturday, instead of watching the Loser Leafs, I decided I wanted to watch a bunch of winners win, so I popped in a copy of the MLB produced World Series 1993 VHS tape. Supplied to our house by Chuck Marshall, this is a 90 minute, in-depth look at the series between The Phillalephia Phillies and Your Toronto Blue Jays. Now don't confuse this VHS with either "Oh Canada!" or "Back to Back". Both of those tapes are season long retrospectives narrated by the late great Tom Cheek. This tape focuses entirely on the series, giving each team equal amounts of time.

The 1993 World Series is better than the 1992 one, because of Joe Carter's homerun. But the '93 series doesn't have the same amount of "HAHAHA, remember him????" moments. Not included in the 93 world series are guys like Rob Ducey, Candy Maldonado, and Manuel "Manny" Lee. You do have guys like John Kruk, and Mitch Williams. But laughing at those guys is like laughing at Carrot Top, it's old hat.

The thing you'll notice now, above all else, is that the Phillies were probably the most juiced team in baseball that year (I can't back that up, but look at them! they're trees for God's sake!). At the time, no one seemed to think it was strange that Lenny Dykstra's arms were as big as his legs. When the Phillies won the NLCS by coming back from down 3-1, in celebration, a player Hulk Hogan's his shirt and poses for the crowd for a solid 5 mins. At the time everyone was saying "these Phillies are psyched!!" when they should have been saying "the steroids have altered that man's brain".

On the back of the box it says:

The Toronto Blue Jays - sleek, corporate, efficient

The Philadelphia Phillies - long hair, beards, and blue-collar work ethic

This sounds more like the description for Rocky 4, with the Jays being Ivan Drago. Only in this version of Rocky 4, Ivan Drago is the smaller of the two, and the Phillies (Rocky) are taking steroids and are probably the ones who killed Apollo Creed, because he'd have to be Drago's buddy.... it's a mess, but the point is, the same person who wrote this description wrote Rocky 4, and Event Horizon.

So here is why this VHS tape is better than HNIC.

1. The team I like wins, no matter how many times I watch

2. I like feeling like a winner

3. Joe Carter is my Dad and owns the CN Tower



S.A.T.'s:

Jamario Moon is to 3 Pointers, as The Toronto Maple Leafs are to The 8th Seed.

Things that are technically possible, but no self respecting fan should want.