Old man Fletcher does know that today is the trade deadline right? He knows it's over in 90 mins right? I know that he went to bed at 7 last night and got up at 4am to brew coffee and wait for the daily news to show up at his door, so he's had plenty of time already to do something.
Belak for a 5th round pick? Let the rebuilding begin!!
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Monday, February 18, 2008
The Time of My Life!
Here's my report from Blue Jays Spring Training:
My flight arrived at Dunedin International Airport around 8am, which left me plenty of time to check into the Marriot Fairfield Inn. No mints on the pillows, just a card that said "thank you" (what a rip!). I headed off to Blue Jay Stadium, as the pitchers and catchers were reporting for Spring Training today. I was pulling my rented Chevy Malibu into the parking lot and I caught starting rotation ace Roy Halladay taking his equipment out of his trunk. We both agreed that his car was nicer, but hey, that's why he's the ace and I'm just a face. HAHAHAHA. Walking through the clubhouse the conversation seemed to focus more on the new Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue than the upcoming workout (boys will be boys).
After everyone had their chuckles, it was off to the field so shag some flys. I was surprised that the pitchers do this, because they don't play in the outfield, but BJ Ryan informed me that it helps with their coordination. Far be it from me to tell a major leaguer how to do his job. An intense stretching session followed. Dustin McGowan told me that he had been stretching all off-season so that he'd be ready for the spring training stretching. What a guy!
Popping over to see the catchers, I found they were engaged in a different exercise. New Blue Jay Rod Barajas was crab-walking from home to first base as fast as he could. This loosens up the knees and doing this now can really help come October. Veteran catcher Gregg Zaun was running from home plate to second base and back again. He stated that It helps him throw out stealers better if he can experience just how far the base is away from home. 17 loping strides he said.
Had a very nice dinner with commentator Jerry Howarth that night at the Sea Side Manor (one of the pan handle's finest fish shacks). Jerry recommended I get the mussels, and when Jerry says to get the mussels, you get the mussels. Jerry got his in a creole sauce, but I couldn't handle the spice, so I just stuck with my creamy leek. Afterwards, over a bottle of Lindemans Bin 65 (with fish? I know!) we talked about the Blue Jays middle relief, and both thought it was a relief to have some strong arms this year. Jerry doesn't usually drink white wine and said he was feeling a bit "fuzzy" so we called it a night. I walked along the promenade on my way home, which was abuzz with street performers. Dunedin is home to the world's largest busker festival, and I've never seen so many jugglers. I tipped every performer 5 dollars (hey, I'm not cheap) except for The Wonderful Twins, because I found their performance a little too racy for the minors in the crowd. After some pleasantries with the night time desk clerk it was off to bed. But not before catching the end of Matrix: Reloaded on TV (what a disappointment!).
Waking in the morning I enjoyed the complimentary continental breakfast in the lobby. While mowing down on my second danish I ran into John MacDonald's wife, who was taking her kids to Sea World for the day. She said the Killer Whales were so amazing last year that she had to check them out again, and recommended I do the same. I said that, regrettably, my flight was leaving in a few hours, but promised to see them next year (and you know what? I will). I arrived at the airport 3 hours before my flight because I was expecting to get hassled by customs, but things went smoothly thanks to the friendly service from Southwest Airlines. With some time to kill I bought some frozen yogurt at the TCBY stand and had a stirring conversation with the lady who runs the book store about whether or not she should be allowed to sell nude magazines in her store. I don't care if they have a concealing plastic cover on them, my kids could have been in here! Guess which side she was on?
I boarded the plane and fell asleep while watching Mean Girls (I'll have to rent it to see how it ended). My spring training odd-essey was over, but the season is just starting. So putting that feather in my hat, I move forward full of hopes and expectations of our first post season berth in 15 years. And as Vernon Wells told me "sometimes I order in, but if it's nice out, I'll go pick it up and save the delivery fee".
My flight arrived at Dunedin International Airport around 8am, which left me plenty of time to check into the Marriot Fairfield Inn. No mints on the pillows, just a card that said "thank you" (what a rip!). I headed off to Blue Jay Stadium, as the pitchers and catchers were reporting for Spring Training today. I was pulling my rented Chevy Malibu into the parking lot and I caught starting rotation ace Roy Halladay taking his equipment out of his trunk. We both agreed that his car was nicer, but hey, that's why he's the ace and I'm just a face. HAHAHAHA. Walking through the clubhouse the conversation seemed to focus more on the new Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue than the upcoming workout (boys will be boys).
After everyone had their chuckles, it was off to the field so shag some flys. I was surprised that the pitchers do this, because they don't play in the outfield, but BJ Ryan informed me that it helps with their coordination. Far be it from me to tell a major leaguer how to do his job. An intense stretching session followed. Dustin McGowan told me that he had been stretching all off-season so that he'd be ready for the spring training stretching. What a guy!
Popping over to see the catchers, I found they were engaged in a different exercise. New Blue Jay Rod Barajas was crab-walking from home to first base as fast as he could. This loosens up the knees and doing this now can really help come October. Veteran catcher Gregg Zaun was running from home plate to second base and back again. He stated that It helps him throw out stealers better if he can experience just how far the base is away from home. 17 loping strides he said.
Had a very nice dinner with commentator Jerry Howarth that night at the Sea Side Manor (one of the pan handle's finest fish shacks). Jerry recommended I get the mussels, and when Jerry says to get the mussels, you get the mussels. Jerry got his in a creole sauce, but I couldn't handle the spice, so I just stuck with my creamy leek. Afterwards, over a bottle of Lindemans Bin 65 (with fish? I know!) we talked about the Blue Jays middle relief, and both thought it was a relief to have some strong arms this year. Jerry doesn't usually drink white wine and said he was feeling a bit "fuzzy" so we called it a night. I walked along the promenade on my way home, which was abuzz with street performers. Dunedin is home to the world's largest busker festival, and I've never seen so many jugglers. I tipped every performer 5 dollars (hey, I'm not cheap) except for The Wonderful Twins, because I found their performance a little too racy for the minors in the crowd. After some pleasantries with the night time desk clerk it was off to bed. But not before catching the end of Matrix: Reloaded on TV (what a disappointment!).
Waking in the morning I enjoyed the complimentary continental breakfast in the lobby. While mowing down on my second danish I ran into John MacDonald's wife, who was taking her kids to Sea World for the day. She said the Killer Whales were so amazing last year that she had to check them out again, and recommended I do the same. I said that, regrettably, my flight was leaving in a few hours, but promised to see them next year (and you know what? I will). I arrived at the airport 3 hours before my flight because I was expecting to get hassled by customs, but things went smoothly thanks to the friendly service from Southwest Airlines. With some time to kill I bought some frozen yogurt at the TCBY stand and had a stirring conversation with the lady who runs the book store about whether or not she should be allowed to sell nude magazines in her store. I don't care if they have a concealing plastic cover on them, my kids could have been in here! Guess which side she was on?
I boarded the plane and fell asleep while watching Mean Girls (I'll have to rent it to see how it ended). My spring training odd-essey was over, but the season is just starting. So putting that feather in my hat, I move forward full of hopes and expectations of our first post season berth in 15 years. And as Vernon Wells told me "sometimes I order in, but if it's nice out, I'll go pick it up and save the delivery fee".
1 2 3 Brotherhood
A couple of quick things from this past NBA All Star weekend. And introducing each day, Ahmad Rashad! from NBA Inside Stuff.
REEEEE-WIIIND
FRI-daaaay!
I caught Charles Barkely on Pardon The Interuption and when asked about whether the All Star Game should adopt a USA vs The World format, he said, "I think it's a great idea. There's enough European players. You got Steve Nash, Dirk, Yao Ming. So many great European players."
SaturDAAAY!
There was a Raptors game a couple of months ago where Lebron James was having an off-day and not playing very well. Then, for some reason, he got really angry and took over the game. Every time he'd hit a shot in the 4th quarter (where he had like 22 points) he'd stare down the Raptors bench. Chuck Swirsky said "I think someone has been trash talking Lebron". This move single handedly lost us the game. This weekend it came out that it wasn't a player chirping, but Chris Bosh's girlfriend, sitting in the third row, who was trash talking James. Listen lady, unless you feel like getting out there and playing some Gary Payton defence on the guy, you should keep your mouth shut. "Hey Lebron! Hey! You're a big piece of garbage! Hey! Idiot! Oh. You're gonna start dominating this game? Doesn't matter, you're pure trash! Oh. You're gonna win the game? Oh. Well I'm just gonna sit here in the 3rd row then, and, read the program. Oh look, Kris Humphries is listed as 6'7''. Sorry guys. We didn't need to win that game though, right?"
Oh, and Jamario Moon, you can't put a piece of tape above the free throw line, then miss by that much. You might as well put the tape at mid-court and go in for a finger roll.
SUNDAY!
The best 13 minute rendition of Oh Canada ever. There's 1 Canadian player, and 1 player from a Canadian team. Let's try to keep the anthem under 90 seconds.
The colour on the back of the East uniform was the same colour as the front of the West uniform, so that when the West was on offence, you couldn't tell who was on which team. Pass it to a guy in white! All 10 of them are open!
________________________
Coming up this week, things not about Basketball. I file a report from Dunedin Florida, and I'll post the first edition of The Panel.
REEEEE-WIIIND
FRI-daaaay!
I caught Charles Barkely on Pardon The Interuption and when asked about whether the All Star Game should adopt a USA vs The World format, he said, "I think it's a great idea. There's enough European players. You got Steve Nash, Dirk, Yao Ming. So many great European players."
SaturDAAAY!
There was a Raptors game a couple of months ago where Lebron James was having an off-day and not playing very well. Then, for some reason, he got really angry and took over the game. Every time he'd hit a shot in the 4th quarter (where he had like 22 points) he'd stare down the Raptors bench. Chuck Swirsky said "I think someone has been trash talking Lebron". This move single handedly lost us the game. This weekend it came out that it wasn't a player chirping, but Chris Bosh's girlfriend, sitting in the third row, who was trash talking James. Listen lady, unless you feel like getting out there and playing some Gary Payton defence on the guy, you should keep your mouth shut. "Hey Lebron! Hey! You're a big piece of garbage! Hey! Idiot! Oh. You're gonna start dominating this game? Doesn't matter, you're pure trash! Oh. You're gonna win the game? Oh. Well I'm just gonna sit here in the 3rd row then, and, read the program. Oh look, Kris Humphries is listed as 6'7''. Sorry guys. We didn't need to win that game though, right?"
Oh, and Jamario Moon, you can't put a piece of tape above the free throw line, then miss by that much. You might as well put the tape at mid-court and go in for a finger roll.
SUNDAY!
The best 13 minute rendition of Oh Canada ever. There's 1 Canadian player, and 1 player from a Canadian team. Let's try to keep the anthem under 90 seconds.
The colour on the back of the East uniform was the same colour as the front of the West uniform, so that when the West was on offence, you couldn't tell who was on which team. Pass it to a guy in white! All 10 of them are open!
________________________
Coming up this week, things not about Basketball. I file a report from Dunedin Florida, and I'll post the first edition of The Panel.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Real Talk To All Ya'll
I'm in an NBA mood right now. It's All-Star Weekend and last week, Your Toronto Raptors celebrated their 1000th regular season game in the NBA. This team has come a long way from the once that fielded future hall-of-famers: Zan Tabak, Ed Pickney, Carlos Rogers, and Acie Earl. I love this team more than any other team, in any other league, but I've never been too keen on the name Raptors. It's something I live with and try to ignore.
After the franchise was announced, there was a "Name Game Contest" to, well, name the franchise. Now originally there was a list of about 50 names that could be voted on by the public. I tried real hard to find this original list, but the internet let me down. On this list, though, I am certain that the Toronto Towers, and the Toronto Jam existed. Now of the 50 top names I was enamoured with the Toronto Jam, because I figured we'd all say it like Fresh Prince ("Jay-om"). But my friends were on to another name that would be cooler. The Raptors (Jurassic Park being a huge movie at the time). The Raptor was the single most feared creature in the dinosaur kingdom, because they could open doors and cabinets. So if they're the most feared dionsaurs, who, are the most feared creatures ever, then they surely must be feared by a mere Bull or Jazz. And, wouldn't you know it, The Raptors made the top 10.
The other day I thought surely there must have been a better, more dynastic name in the top 10 that wouldn't have sounded as strange 13 years later, but...
Toronto NBA Franchise Names, Top 10:
Beavers, Bobcats, Dragons, Grizzlies, Hogs, Raptors, Scorpions, T-Rex, Tarantulas, and Terriers.
.....
Raptors is looking prettty good right now. None of these names scream "storied franchise". I doubt people would be talking about the great Hogs Dynasty of the early 2010s. Imagine even having to say Toronto Tarantulas transition offence. Or having to hear a Chuck Swirsky say "Open left elbow shot... book it... now that's Beaver Basketball".
When the Raptors name was favoured, and ultimately picked, there were rumors that the stadium would actually be called Jurassic Park. As in, "we're gonna take the subway down to Jurassic Park to catch the Raptors in action". This seems silly in retrospect, considering this age of corporate sponsorship. It's like calling the stadium the Grizzlies play in: The Forest, or the Wizards' stadium: A Tower.
It almost feels like a rule, that if you have an expansion team, regardless of the league, you MUST have a terrible team name:
San Jose Earthquakes of the MLS (there will only be one Earthquake, and He was paired with Typhoon, and they were 1 time holders of the Tag Championships)
Nashville Predators (Dateline ruined this one)
Tampa Bay Devil Rays (They can't even open doors or cabinets)
Charlotte Bobcats (We're running out of animals)
News & Notes:
-Recently, the NBA slam dunk contest has been about as exciting as a Pinball machine based on the movie Twister. Here's hoping Jamario Moon does something more entertaining than the Bill Paxton Multi-Ball.
- The Maple Leafs Franchise is so backwards I'm betting they lose enough to get mathematically eliminated from the playoffs, then win every game after to get mathematically eliminated from the Stamkos sweepstakes.
- Right now on Raptors TV Amare Stoudemire is getting his future read by a tarot card reader. All she's saying is "you're going to have to make decisions". It's gonna be a great weekend.
Gotta go, the Celebrity All Star Game is on. Taylor Hicks and Ne-Yo, underrated back-court tandem.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
HEL-LO!!
ES-B-N. Get it? It's the first letter of my first name, and it rhymes with P. Hahahahahahahahaha.
This site is my outlet for writing jokes about sports. A while ago it was brought to my attention that I had a tendency to write a large amount of sketches about baseball. When these sketches weren't about baseball, they would be about golf, or football, or finger rolls, or stadium DJ's. So instead of fighting it, I've decided to embrace the lunacy of professional sports.
On with the show.
My housemate Chuck Marshall exploded in anger on Friday when it was said on TSN that Leafs blueliner Pavel Kubina had a no-trade clause in his contract, effectively making it impossible to trade him unless he okayed the move. His rage was over the fact that Kubina is a large piece of garbage and, due to this clause, it will be difficult to trade this large piece of garbage.
This is why no-trade clauses are all kinds of nonsense:
Let's say that you own a house that has 5 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, and no windows. Living space is cramped, to say the least. Someone is moving out and you have a room to fill now. A friend moves in from out of town and you say, "This guy is great! Let's lock him up into this house. Perfect fit." So you want this dude to move in so bad, you say, "I'll never evict you." Dude says, "Wow, killer deal, done-zo." He moves in and you maybe have a party to welcome him. All of a sudden, buddy starts to get annoying by leaving bags of bread on the couch and trying to solve the case on Law & Order before everyone else (when he gets it he yells "sovled! boy-os"). Now, let's say that you're also PAYING this person to live with you, and that you can't stop paying them to live there until THEY say it's ok for you to stop paying them, AND you have to find them another house to leave bread in.
Silly, hey?
No trade clauses should be saved for your guaranteed top roommates. Your guys that bring the most to the table (xbox's, dvds, couches). Not people who bring bread and cats.
Here are a couple of the worst roommates in the NHL:
Niclas Wallin (Carolina Hurricanes)
7 Points, -15 in 41 games. No Trade Clause. Well, he must have had a big season lately to warrant this very nice stipulation, oh wait, last year he had 10 points in 67 games, and the year before 8 points in 50 games. Whatever we do we are NOT trading this guy.
Colin White (New Jersey Devils)
5 Points, -4 in 35 games. No Trade Clause. At least he always knows who the rapist was on Law & Order.
You know how many players in the NBA have no trade clauses? One. His name is Kobe Bryant. And he's the best.
But hey, Pavel Kubina came over last night and left my expensive cheese out on the counter, left the dish sponge sitting in dirty water, and got my towel sandy at the beach. Oh, right, and I paid him to do it, and now he won't leave.
You know what the best no trade clause is? Not playing like trash.
Solved! Boy-os.
This site is my outlet for writing jokes about sports. A while ago it was brought to my attention that I had a tendency to write a large amount of sketches about baseball. When these sketches weren't about baseball, they would be about golf, or football, or finger rolls, or stadium DJ's. So instead of fighting it, I've decided to embrace the lunacy of professional sports.
On with the show.
My housemate Chuck Marshall exploded in anger on Friday when it was said on TSN that Leafs blueliner Pavel Kubina had a no-trade clause in his contract, effectively making it impossible to trade him unless he okayed the move. His rage was over the fact that Kubina is a large piece of garbage and, due to this clause, it will be difficult to trade this large piece of garbage.
This is why no-trade clauses are all kinds of nonsense:
Let's say that you own a house that has 5 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, and no windows. Living space is cramped, to say the least. Someone is moving out and you have a room to fill now. A friend moves in from out of town and you say, "This guy is great! Let's lock him up into this house. Perfect fit." So you want this dude to move in so bad, you say, "I'll never evict you." Dude says, "Wow, killer deal, done-zo." He moves in and you maybe have a party to welcome him. All of a sudden, buddy starts to get annoying by leaving bags of bread on the couch and trying to solve the case on Law & Order before everyone else (when he gets it he yells "sovled! boy-os"). Now, let's say that you're also PAYING this person to live with you, and that you can't stop paying them to live there until THEY say it's ok for you to stop paying them, AND you have to find them another house to leave bread in.
Silly, hey?
No trade clauses should be saved for your guaranteed top roommates. Your guys that bring the most to the table (xbox's, dvds, couches). Not people who bring bread and cats.
Here are a couple of the worst roommates in the NHL:
Niclas Wallin (Carolina Hurricanes)
7 Points, -15 in 41 games. No Trade Clause. Well, he must have had a big season lately to warrant this very nice stipulation, oh wait, last year he had 10 points in 67 games, and the year before 8 points in 50 games. Whatever we do we are NOT trading this guy.
Colin White (New Jersey Devils)
5 Points, -4 in 35 games. No Trade Clause. At least he always knows who the rapist was on Law & Order.
You know how many players in the NBA have no trade clauses? One. His name is Kobe Bryant. And he's the best.
But hey, Pavel Kubina came over last night and left my expensive cheese out on the counter, left the dish sponge sitting in dirty water, and got my towel sandy at the beach. Oh, right, and I paid him to do it, and now he won't leave.
You know what the best no trade clause is? Not playing like trash.
Solved! Boy-os.
Saturday, February 9, 2008
"Chapters"? I Thought We Were Watching A Movie!
Watching Leafs interim general manager Cliff Fletcher during an interview, is like watching your grandfather try to use a DVD player. I caught the "Next Question" segment from Off The Record yesterday and here was the best exchange:
Landsberg - What was more surprising, the Patriots losing the Super Bowl, or the Leafs losing 8 nothing to Florida on Tuesday?
Fletcher - Well they both were surprising, but I was lucky, I had the winning bet in the Super Bowl.
Landsberg - Did you really, what was your bet?
Fletcher - Philadelphia in 12 points.
.....
Fletcher then left to go make a trade with the Cleveland Barons. His calls were not returned.
The Big Game
I am an unabashed fan of sports media. It is single handedly the most frustrating and joyous thing that graces my TV screen. I love pre-game shows, and analysis, and gatorade x-factors, and helmet cam, and serious debates about the U.S. National Olympic Two-Way Squad, and Charles and Kenny on TNT.
I laughed out loud when Bill Walton, during a game, referred to Charles Oakley as a "Veritable Quandary".
I died when during a Blue Jays game, commentator Jamie Campbell was interviewing former Jay Lloyd Moseby, and this was the actual conversation:
Campbell: So, what is it like to be back in Toronto after all these years?
Moseby: Actually, I'm here all the time.
Campbell: ......
Moseby: .......
Campbell: ........
Moesby: ......
Campbell: ... And here's the 2-2 pitch...
I applauded Fox Sports use of "Lead Off Technology" in the playoffs this year as the most wonderfully useless thing I had seen.
And when Vince Carter got traded for a man with a broken body, two "character guys", and some sneakers, I successfully predicted Leo Rautins reaction, which was "Boy, I like this trade!". Of course you do Leo.
I absolutely love these things, even though they also make me want to punch the screen. Which brings us to Super Bowl Sunday. Being at work yesterday, with zero customers, I decided to watch nothing but Pre-Game programming from 11am till the end of my shift at 4pm. My original plan was to then write a "Top 5 Stupidest Things I Saw Before The Superbowl" list, and rag on all the dumb things done by ESPN and FOX to kill broadcasting time. But yesterday was so above and beyond my expectations, and the silly moments kept coming so quickly that I was unable to keep up. So here are some of my personal favourites from yesterday, in no particular order.
1. Red Carpet Arrivals
Seacrest - "And now, ladies and gentlemen, the one and only Laurence FISHBURNE!!! Now Laurence, being an actor, you have to work under a lot of pressure. How are these guys going to focus out on field today?"
and of course
"How would Morpheus from the Matrix do out there in the Super Bowl?"
2. Grumpy Old Coaches
My absolute favourite segment because this is what it was in week 1.
Fox Executive - Hey, check this out, let's get two guys who are already on our regular panel, dress them up in Hawaiian shirts, have them sit on a set that looks like someone's Den, and have them say the same thing they said 5 minutes ago when they were wearing suits and sitting at the desk.
This segment was included this week, minus the shirts, and wacky set. So all we were left with was probing questions like "Does a coach feel pressure coaching in the Super Bowl?" And then Jimmy Johnson giggled a lot.
3. Dr. Phil
Impressionist Frank Caliendo inexplicably does a Dr. Phil sketch full of lame- wad jokes about Terry Bradshaw, then the real Dr. Phil comes out to "surprise" Caliendo and gets a huge ovation. Someone's 5 to 1:00am sketch is gonna get cut now.
4. More Bits
A group of actors playing New Yorkers comes across a group of actors playing Bostonians somewhere on Idiot Street. A 3 minute buildup to a West Side Story joke ensues.
5. Back To You Seacrest
"Here come the Giants, arriving at Univeristy of Pheonix Stadium. We will not be talking to them. But here comes William Moseley, from The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian, Opening soon."
All of this happened in about 3 hours and it's barely the tip of the iceberg. I'm sure I saw some kid rapping about touchdowns, and Sam Jackson did some lame promo for Jumper, Willie Nelson sang a song about cowboys before a game featuring two North Eastern teams, and those fighter jets did a fly by over a domed stadium.
And as I sit here finishing this, watching your Toronto Raptors rout the Miami Heat, commentator Chuck Swirsky just said the following: "Jack, I gotta tell you what I'm doing saturday night... I'm going curling!"
Ladies and Gentlemen, Planet Earth.
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