HEL-LO!!

ES-B-N. Get it? It's the first letter of my first name, and it rhymes with P. Hahahahahahahahaha.


This site is my outlet for writing jokes about sports. A while ago it was brought to my attention that I had a tendency to write a large amount of sketches about baseball. When these sketches weren't about baseball, they would be about golf, or football, or finger rolls, or stadium DJ's. So instead of fighting it, I've decided to embrace the lunacy of professional sports.

On with the show.

My housemate Chuck Marshall exploded in anger on Friday when it was said on TSN that Leafs blueliner Pavel Kubina had a no-trade clause in his contract, effectively making it impossible to trade him unless he okayed the move. His rage was over the fact that Kubina is a large piece of garbage and, due to this clause, it will be difficult to trade this large piece of garbage.

This is why no-trade clauses are all kinds of nonsense:


Let's say that you own a house that has 5 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, and no windows. Living space is cramped, to say the least. Someone is moving out and you have a room to fill now. A friend moves in from out of town and you say, "This guy is great! Let's lock him up into this house. Perfect fit." So you want this dude to move in so bad, you say, "I'll never evict you." Dude says, "Wow, killer deal, done-zo." He moves in and you maybe have a party to welcome him. All of a sudden, buddy starts to get annoying by leaving bags of bread on the couch and trying to solve the case on Law & Order before everyone else (when he gets it he yells "sovled! boy-os"). Now, let's say that you're also PAYING this person to live with you, and that you can't stop paying them to live there until THEY say it's ok for you to stop paying them, AND you have to find them another house to leave bread in.

Silly, hey?

No trade clauses should be saved for your guaranteed top roommates. Your guys that bring the most to the table (xbox's, dvds, couches). Not people who bring bread and cats.

Here are a couple of the worst roommates in the NHL:

Niclas Wallin (Carolina Hurricanes)
7 Points, -15 in 41 games. No Trade Clause. Well, he must have had a big season lately to warrant this very nice stipulation, oh wait, last year he had 10 points in 67 games, and the year before 8 points in 50 games. Whatever we do we are NOT trading this guy.

Colin White (New Jersey Devils)
5 Points, -4 in 35 games. No Trade Clause. At least he always knows who the rapist was on Law & Order.

You know how many players in the NBA have no trade clauses? One. His name is Kobe Bryant. And he's the best.

But hey, Pavel Kubina came over last night and left my expensive cheese out on the counter, left the dish sponge sitting in dirty water, and got my towel sandy at the beach. Oh, right, and I paid him to do it, and now he won't leave.

You know what the best no trade clause is? Not playing like trash.

Solved! Boy-os.