I am an unabashed fan of sports media. It is single handedly the most frustrating and joyous thing that graces my TV screen. I love pre-game shows, and analysis, and gatorade x-factors, and helmet cam, and serious debates about the U.S. National Olympic Two-Way Squad, and Charles and Kenny on TNT.
I laughed out loud when Bill Walton, during a game, referred to Charles Oakley as a "Veritable Quandary".
I died when during a Blue Jays game, commentator Jamie Campbell was interviewing former Jay Lloyd Moseby, and this was the actual conversation:
Campbell: So, what is it like to be back in Toronto after all these years?
Moseby: Actually, I'm here all the time.
Campbell: ......
Moseby: .......
Campbell: ........
Moesby: ......
Campbell: ... And here's the 2-2 pitch...
I applauded Fox Sports use of "Lead Off Technology" in the playoffs this year as the most wonderfully useless thing I had seen.
And when Vince Carter got traded for a man with a broken body, two "character guys", and some sneakers, I successfully predicted Leo Rautins reaction, which was "Boy, I like this trade!". Of course you do Leo.
I absolutely love these things, even though they also make me want to punch the screen. Which brings us to Super Bowl Sunday. Being at work yesterday, with zero customers, I decided to watch nothing but Pre-Game programming from 11am till the end of my shift at 4pm. My original plan was to then write a "Top 5 Stupidest Things I Saw Before The Superbowl" list, and rag on all the dumb things done by ESPN and FOX to kill broadcasting time. But yesterday was so above and beyond my expectations, and the silly moments kept coming so quickly that I was unable to keep up. So here are some of my personal favourites from yesterday, in no particular order.
1. Red Carpet Arrivals
Seacrest - "And now, ladies and gentlemen, the one and only Laurence FISHBURNE!!! Now Laurence, being an actor, you have to work under a lot of pressure. How are these guys going to focus out on field today?"
and of course
"How would Morpheus from the Matrix do out there in the Super Bowl?"
2. Grumpy Old Coaches
My absolute favourite segment because this is what it was in week 1.
Fox Executive - Hey, check this out, let's get two guys who are already on our regular panel, dress them up in Hawaiian shirts, have them sit on a set that looks like someone's Den, and have them say the same thing they said 5 minutes ago when they were wearing suits and sitting at the desk.
This segment was included this week, minus the shirts, and wacky set. So all we were left with was probing questions like "Does a coach feel pressure coaching in the Super Bowl?" And then Jimmy Johnson giggled a lot.
3. Dr. Phil
Impressionist Frank Caliendo inexplicably does a Dr. Phil sketch full of lame- wad jokes about Terry Bradshaw, then the real Dr. Phil comes out to "surprise" Caliendo and gets a huge ovation. Someone's 5 to 1:00am sketch is gonna get cut now.
4. More Bits
A group of actors playing New Yorkers comes across a group of actors playing Bostonians somewhere on Idiot Street. A 3 minute buildup to a West Side Story joke ensues.
5. Back To You Seacrest
"Here come the Giants, arriving at Univeristy of Pheonix Stadium. We will not be talking to them. But here comes William Moseley, from The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian, Opening soon."
All of this happened in about 3 hours and it's barely the tip of the iceberg. I'm sure I saw some kid rapping about touchdowns, and Sam Jackson did some lame promo for Jumper, Willie Nelson sang a song about cowboys before a game featuring two North Eastern teams, and those fighter jets did a fly by over a domed stadium.
And as I sit here finishing this, watching your Toronto Raptors rout the Miami Heat, commentator Chuck Swirsky just said the following: "Jack, I gotta tell you what I'm doing saturday night... I'm going curling!"
Ladies and Gentlemen, Planet Earth.
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