You remember in elementary school when you had that friend who said that his Dad owned the CN Tower? And you would said "No Way! because MY Dad owns the CN Tower!". Well, both of you guys were lying because my Dad did actually own the CN tower. But don't feel so bad, because I was lying when I said I'd post soon and then didn't. We all lie, and I've forgiven you, so maybe you should forgive me?
Allllright.
It's a time honored tradition to watch hockey on Saturday night. Appointment TV. Of course we're drinking beers and watching Hockey Night In Canada, we do this EVERY Saturday. That is until this year. Perhaps I've grown too cynical, but Hockey Night In Canada is utter nonsense. But perhaps I'm wrong. Perhaps it is fun to watch Cassie Campbell teach Ron MacLean and a bunch of kids hockey drills. Perhaps the Satellite Hot Stove is biting commentary on the state of the US National Olympic Two-Way Squad. Perhaps Elliot Friedman's interviews with cardboard personalities ARE interesting. But not to me. So I decided to be resourceful in my quest for 7pm to 9pm entertainment.
This past Saturday, instead of watching the Loser Leafs, I decided I wanted to watch a bunch of winners win, so I popped in a copy of the MLB produced World Series 1993 VHS tape. Supplied to our house by Chuck Marshall, this is a 90 minute, in-depth look at the series between The Phillalephia Phillies and Your Toronto Blue Jays. Now don't confuse this VHS with either "Oh Canada!" or "Back to Back". Both of those tapes are season long retrospectives narrated by the late great Tom Cheek. This tape focuses entirely on the series, giving each team equal amounts of time.
The 1993 World Series is better than the 1992 one, because of Joe Carter's homerun. But the '93 series doesn't have the same amount of "HAHAHA, remember him????" moments. Not included in the 93 world series are guys like Rob Ducey, Candy Maldonado, and Manuel "Manny" Lee. You do have guys like John Kruk, and Mitch Williams. But laughing at those guys is like laughing at Carrot Top, it's old hat.
The thing you'll notice now, above all else, is that the Phillies were probably the most juiced team in baseball that year (I can't back that up, but look at them! they're trees for God's sake!). At the time, no one seemed to think it was strange that Lenny Dykstra's arms were as big as his legs. When the Phillies won the NLCS by coming back from down 3-1, in celebration, a player Hulk Hogan's his shirt and poses for the crowd for a solid 5 mins. At the time everyone was saying "these Phillies are psyched!!" when they should have been saying "the steroids have altered that man's brain".
On the back of the box it says:
The Toronto Blue Jays - sleek, corporate, efficient
The Philadelphia Phillies - long hair, beards, and blue-collar work ethic
This sounds more like the description for Rocky 4, with the Jays being Ivan Drago. Only in this version of Rocky 4, Ivan Drago is the smaller of the two, and the Phillies (Rocky) are taking steroids and are probably the ones who killed Apollo Creed, because he'd have to be Drago's buddy.... it's a mess, but the point is, the same person who wrote this description wrote Rocky 4, and Event Horizon.
So here is why this VHS tape is better than HNIC.
1. The team I like wins, no matter how many times I watch
2. I like feeling like a winner
3. Joe Carter is my Dad and owns the CN Tower
S.A.T.'s:
Jamario Moon is to 3 Pointers, as The Toronto Maple Leafs are to The 8th Seed.
Things that are technically possible, but no self respecting fan should want.
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