5 Predictions For The NBA Playoffs!

1. Raptors Win, Raptors Win, Raptors Win!

TJ Ford runs an efficient offense, Moon drives the ball, Delfino is a consistent player, Humphries passes first, Mitchell runs a 3 point play for Kapono, Bosh doesn't need to score 40 points every game, and Bargnani looks un-bewildered. Raptors win!

2. Dallas Wins 9th Seed!

Goodbye Dallas. It's nice to see that you mortgaged your future for J-Kidd. Here are 9 other things that are better than you: Hornets, Spurs, Jazz, Lakers, Suns, Rockets, Nuggets, Warriors and Ice Cream.

3. Morris Peterson Wins Finals MVP!

New Orleans makes the Finals and Mo-Pete goes for the greatest streak shooting display in NBA history, hitting 32 three pointers in one game. He makes every two point shot while getting fouled so that he never gets less than 3 points. Game 7 comes down to one last 3 point play, but before Peterson can get the ball, Vince Carter streaks onto the court and slaps him, pushing Carter out of the way Peterson gets ejected, and everyone in the world realizes that VC is the biggest knob-job in the NBA.

4. Utah Jazz Games Will Go Un-Televised!

The Utah Jazz are the Pittsburgh Pirates of the NBA, except they win. "Oh yeah... I forgot about that team. Are they in the playoff hunt? 4th? really?" So in keeping with this tradition of ignoring Utah the NBA will not televise their games. OR if they do decide to put them on TV, they'll make the Jazz uniforms out of a bright green so that they can be digitally eliminated from the broadcast. Phoenix will appear to play unopposed, but somehow still lose in 6.

5. Pistons vs. Spurs!!!!!!!

Because there is no justice in the world, this will be the finals match up. One of the most exciting NBA seasons in at least 10 years will wither out with this battle of boring. Who needs Celtics vs Lakers when you have Big Fundamentals vs Big Execution and nary an exciting play to be found.

Social Slayer

Andrea Bargnani plays basketball like I play Halo 3. Sometimes I get on a role where I can kill 4 or 5 guys without dying, and I think that I've "turned the corner" in the game and will now be a factor. But then I end up getting taken out consistently, or I start hanging back and trying to snipe people instead of being agressive and elbow-ramming them to death. When I am good, there's no rhyme or reason to it. When I'm bad, it's like I forgot that I was even good for the last five minutes.

The Bargage Man had 16 points in the first quarter of yesterday's game between Your Raptors and the Denver Nuggets. Then he didn't score one point in the rest of the game, got in foul trouble, and sat on the bench. When they announce him as a substitution in the middle of the game, they should say "Now checking in to Xbox Live, Brendan Halloran".


The next edition of The Panel is coming in a few. days.

HEARTBREAKER!!!!!!

It's over before it began.......

Friday morning I followed my normal game day routine. I awoke and ate a half bowl of honey bunches of oats (no milk), while flipping through the latest copy of The Gazeeler (Saint Mary's student newspaper). I always like to read Ron Charlies' column about the goings on in the athletic facility on campus. When done my cereal, I ironed all of my SMC jersey's, not picking which one I would wear until after I was done. With a few hours to game time, I jogged over to the nearby elementary school to play some pick-up with the kids on recess. I insisted that I get to be Mick McConnell. They agreed, and I spent the whole game sitting on the bench. Leaving the school I walked back home singing the school song:

"Let's all go to Saint Mary's way
Saint Mary's way
Saint Mary's way.
Let's all go to Saint Mary's way
they're my team, let's go!"

I got home, sat on the third cushion from the left, and was ready for the game. Call me superstitious, but this routine usually ends in a SMC victory.

But we didn't win. A disastrous second half left us on the outside looking in. Our boys just couldn't get it done, but I still gave them a standing ovation. After the game I headed to the Toronto branch of the Saint Mary's student pub (Tony's Hangout), and all the supporters and I shared some tears.

It's not easy being a Saint Mary's fan, there's been a lot of heartache over the years. But my resolve outweighs my disappointment, we'll be back next year, and I am guaranteeing a victory right now. The tournament is now over as far as I'm concerned.

March Madness

I've decided to do something different for the NCAA Tournament. Usually we pick the teams we like for some arbitrary reason, such as "I like Syracuse because the first basketball team I played on was called The Orangemen". So when the tournament comes around you half heartedly cheer for this team. To me, this isn't arbitrary enough. I wanted to throw all my support behind a team I have no business cheering for. So what I did is I entered all 64 teams into a random list generator I found on the internet, and said "whoever gets randomized to the top of the list will be my team this year, and I'll pretend like I've supported them my whole life, and I'll cry if they don't win, or at least put a bike pump through a wall like I did when Your Toronto Raptors got eliminated from the playoffs last year". So the team that raised to the top, and I raise my expectations for is:


Saint Mary's College Gaels (10)!!!!!!


Now I've loved this team all my life. I had my Dad paint SMC colours (red, blue, white) on my wall when I was young, and I still carry a pocket schedule for every year since 1987 in my breast pocket. When I graduated high school, I was accepted to SMC on a full scholarship, but turned it down. It had always been my dream to go to SMC, but I thought if I actually went I would die because I would have accomplished all my life goals. So I went somewhere else.

I feel really good about our squad this year. They're a bunch of characters and have most people calling them the Saint Mary's Yales, because of how smart they are on the court. I mean, what can you say about the point guard play of Patrick Mills? Or our big man in the middle Omar Samhan? You show me another centre that averages 10.6 points and 7.3 rebounds a game AND averages a 4.0 in academics. And there's no one more inspirational than the teams emotional leader Mickey McConnell. St. Mick (as his teammates and local press call him), may only average 1.0 points and .06 assists a game, but when the Yales need someone to jump of the bench and scream "YEEEEAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" after a big play, you can always count on St. Mick Mc.

So who are God's team playing? The gross and uninspiring Miami Hurricanes (7). This is one of the longest rivalries in sports, and I'm just hoping that things don't get ugly. We don't need team bruiser, Ian O'Leary, leaving the game because of flagrant fouls.

The big game is on the 21st (2 more days? who can sleep? I know!), so look for extensive coverage here on your Gaels.

Knuckleheads

My favourite show on television is Pardon The Interruption. I think that Tony Kornheiser and Mike Wilbon are one of the best entertainment duo's of all time. Put them right up there with Johnny and Ed, Aykroyd and Belushi, Conan and Andy. The rapport these two have is so good that when one of them is gone, the show isn't even half as entertaining. But I hear a lot of criticisms about this show from people. These people don't seem to think that PTI is the greatest show to grace the earth. So let's set the record straight.


Why All Of Your Criticisms Of Pardon The Interruption Are Wrong


1. They Never Talk About Hockey

This is the biggest one, and you're right. You're absolutely right. We live in Canada, and hockey is the biggest sport, and they never ever talk about hockey. And as much as I love hockey, thank GOD they don't talk about it. Do we not have enough hockey coverage in this country? It once got to the point where TSN had the show That's Hockey, then felt like it wasn't enough, so they created That's Hockey 2. 2!!! Different pundits, different analysis, different attitude!! There is no shortage of people talking about hockey, and it's actually nice to get some perspective on other sports that don't get covered as much up here like NCAA hoops and football. Hell, even MLB doesn't get much league wide coverage. Plus why do you want people who don't know much about hockey to talk about hockey? You wouldn't talk to a pool salesman about your roof. Unless you were putting a pool on your roof, which would be really awesome. Let me come over and swim.

2. They Argue All The Time

"I think the Houston Rockets will win 21 games in a row"

"I agree"

"I seriously think they'll do it"

"I'm onboard with this idea"

"They're a good team getting top notch coaching"

"I love the coach"

Faaaairly boring. This is what a lot of people don't get: it's not about being angry and yelling. TSN once tried to duplicate this format with a segment called "5 Minute Misconduct" or something equally mind numbing. They had Glen Healy and a Toronto Sun beat writer argue about hockey issues. It was unwatchable because it wasn't fun, Heals and the other guy thought they had to get angry with one another, and they just sat there bickering. Wilbon and Kornheiser are never actually angry, and the show is closer to how you and your friends would sit around and argue about sports. Like when Chuck Marshall comes home and says "Isn't the Texas A&M, Virginia Tech game on?" and I say "maybe, who cares?" and he says "These are two storied schools we should really be getting behind" and I say "I spilled juice on your dvds".

3. I'd Rather Watch An Hour of Off The Record

This is a lie. I'm sure no one has ever said this.

__________________________________________________

Some things coming up this month include the next edition of The Panel, AND we'll be doing something special for NCAA March Madness with some guest writers. There's also a pod cast in the works, so make sure you're speakers are plugged in.

Vidideo

Say what you will about George Strombolopapoo, the guy sure knows how to set up a basketball season. This is one of the best introductions for a game I've ever seen. His show The Hour should be retitiled The 90 Seconds and all he does is set up the next Raptors game.

General Silliness

You remember in elementary school when you had that friend who said that his Dad owned the CN Tower? And you would said "No Way! because MY Dad owns the CN Tower!". Well, both of you guys were lying because my Dad did actually own the CN tower. But don't feel so bad, because I was lying when I said I'd post soon and then didn't. We all lie, and I've forgiven you, so maybe you should forgive me?

Allllright.

It's a time honored tradition to watch hockey on Saturday night. Appointment TV. Of course we're drinking beers and watching Hockey Night In Canada, we do this EVERY Saturday. That is until this year. Perhaps I've grown too cynical, but Hockey Night In Canada is utter nonsense. But perhaps I'm wrong. Perhaps it is fun to watch Cassie Campbell teach Ron MacLean and a bunch of kids hockey drills. Perhaps the Satellite Hot Stove is biting commentary on the state of the US National Olympic Two-Way Squad. Perhaps Elliot Friedman's interviews with cardboard personalities ARE interesting. But not to me. So I decided to be resourceful in my quest for 7pm to 9pm entertainment.

This past Saturday, instead of watching the Loser Leafs, I decided I wanted to watch a bunch of winners win, so I popped in a copy of the MLB produced World Series 1993 VHS tape. Supplied to our house by Chuck Marshall, this is a 90 minute, in-depth look at the series between The Phillalephia Phillies and Your Toronto Blue Jays. Now don't confuse this VHS with either "Oh Canada!" or "Back to Back". Both of those tapes are season long retrospectives narrated by the late great Tom Cheek. This tape focuses entirely on the series, giving each team equal amounts of time.

The 1993 World Series is better than the 1992 one, because of Joe Carter's homerun. But the '93 series doesn't have the same amount of "HAHAHA, remember him????" moments. Not included in the 93 world series are guys like Rob Ducey, Candy Maldonado, and Manuel "Manny" Lee. You do have guys like John Kruk, and Mitch Williams. But laughing at those guys is like laughing at Carrot Top, it's old hat.

The thing you'll notice now, above all else, is that the Phillies were probably the most juiced team in baseball that year (I can't back that up, but look at them! they're trees for God's sake!). At the time, no one seemed to think it was strange that Lenny Dykstra's arms were as big as his legs. When the Phillies won the NLCS by coming back from down 3-1, in celebration, a player Hulk Hogan's his shirt and poses for the crowd for a solid 5 mins. At the time everyone was saying "these Phillies are psyched!!" when they should have been saying "the steroids have altered that man's brain".

On the back of the box it says:

The Toronto Blue Jays - sleek, corporate, efficient

The Philadelphia Phillies - long hair, beards, and blue-collar work ethic

This sounds more like the description for Rocky 4, with the Jays being Ivan Drago. Only in this version of Rocky 4, Ivan Drago is the smaller of the two, and the Phillies (Rocky) are taking steroids and are probably the ones who killed Apollo Creed, because he'd have to be Drago's buddy.... it's a mess, but the point is, the same person who wrote this description wrote Rocky 4, and Event Horizon.

So here is why this VHS tape is better than HNIC.

1. The team I like wins, no matter how many times I watch

2. I like feeling like a winner

3. Joe Carter is my Dad and owns the CN Tower



S.A.T.'s:

Jamario Moon is to 3 Pointers, as The Toronto Maple Leafs are to The 8th Seed.

Things that are technically possible, but no self respecting fan should want.

UMMMMMM........

Old man Fletcher does know that today is the trade deadline right? He knows it's over in 90 mins right? I know that he went to bed at 7 last night and got up at 4am to brew coffee and wait for the daily news to show up at his door, so he's had plenty of time already to do something.

Belak for a 5th round pick? Let the rebuilding begin!!

The Time of My Life!

Here's my report from Blue Jays Spring Training:

My flight arrived at Dunedin International Airport around 8am, which left me plenty of time to check into the Marriot Fairfield Inn. No mints on the pillows, just a card that said "thank you" (what a rip!). I headed off to Blue Jay Stadium, as the pitchers and catchers were reporting for Spring Training today. I was pulling my rented Chevy Malibu into the parking lot and I caught starting rotation ace Roy Halladay taking his equipment out of his trunk. We both agreed that his car was nicer, but hey, that's why he's the ace and I'm just a face. HAHAHAHA. Walking through the clubhouse the conversation seemed to focus more on the new Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue than the upcoming workout (boys will be boys).

After everyone had their chuckles, it was off to the field so shag some flys. I was surprised that the pitchers do this, because they don't play in the outfield, but BJ Ryan informed me that it helps with their coordination. Far be it from me to tell a major leaguer how to do his job. An intense stretching session followed. Dustin McGowan told me that he had been stretching all off-season so that he'd be ready for the spring training stretching. What a guy!

Popping over to see the catchers, I found they were engaged in a different exercise. New Blue Jay Rod Barajas was crab-walking from home to first base as fast as he could. This loosens up the knees and doing this now can really help come October. Veteran catcher Gregg Zaun was running from home plate to second base and back again. He stated that It helps him throw out stealers better if he can experience just how far the base is away from home. 17 loping strides he said.

Had a very nice dinner with commentator Jerry Howarth that night at the Sea Side Manor (one of the pan handle's finest fish shacks). Jerry recommended I get the mussels, and when Jerry says to get the mussels, you get the mussels. Jerry got his in a creole sauce, but I couldn't handle the spice, so I just stuck with my creamy leek. Afterwards, over a bottle of Lindemans Bin 65 (with fish? I know!) we talked about the Blue Jays middle relief, and both thought it was a relief to have some strong arms this year. Jerry doesn't usually drink white wine and said he was feeling a bit "fuzzy" so we called it a night. I walked along the promenade on my way home, which was abuzz with street performers. Dunedin is home to the world's largest busker festival, and I've never seen so many jugglers. I tipped every performer 5 dollars (hey, I'm not cheap) except for The Wonderful Twins, because I found their performance a little too racy for the minors in the crowd. After some pleasantries with the night time desk clerk it was off to bed. But not before catching the end of Matrix: Reloaded on TV (what a disappointment!).

Waking in the morning I enjoyed the complimentary continental breakfast in the lobby. While mowing down on my second danish I ran into John MacDonald's wife, who was taking her kids to Sea World for the day. She said the Killer Whales were so amazing last year that she had to check them out again, and recommended I do the same. I said that, regrettably, my flight was leaving in a few hours, but promised to see them next year (and you know what? I will). I arrived at the airport 3 hours before my flight because I was expecting to get hassled by customs, but things went smoothly thanks to the friendly service from Southwest Airlines. With some time to kill I bought some frozen yogurt at the TCBY stand and had a stirring conversation with the lady who runs the book store about whether or not she should be allowed to sell nude magazines in her store. I don't care if they have a concealing plastic cover on them, my kids could have been in here! Guess which side she was on?

I boarded the plane and fell asleep while watching Mean Girls (I'll have to rent it to see how it ended). My spring training odd-essey was over, but the season is just starting. So putting that feather in my hat, I move forward full of hopes and expectations of our first post season berth in 15 years. And as Vernon Wells told me "sometimes I order in, but if it's nice out, I'll go pick it up and save the delivery fee".

1 2 3 Brotherhood

A couple of quick things from this past NBA All Star weekend. And introducing each day, Ahmad Rashad! from NBA Inside Stuff.

REEEEE-WIIIND

FRI-daaaay!

I caught Charles Barkely on Pardon The Interuption and when asked about whether the All Star Game should adopt a USA vs The World format, he said, "I think it's a great idea. There's enough European players. You got Steve Nash, Dirk, Yao Ming. So many great European players."


SaturDAAAY!

There was a Raptors game a couple of months ago where Lebron James was having an off-day and not playing very well. Then, for some reason, he got really angry and took over the game. Every time he'd hit a shot in the 4th quarter (where he had like 22 points) he'd stare down the Raptors bench. Chuck Swirsky said "I think someone has been trash talking Lebron". This move single handedly lost us the game. This weekend it came out that it wasn't a player chirping, but Chris Bosh's girlfriend, sitting in the third row, who was trash talking James. Listen lady, unless you feel like getting out there and playing some Gary Payton defence on the guy, you should keep your mouth shut. "Hey Lebron! Hey! You're a big piece of garbage! Hey! Idiot! Oh. You're gonna start dominating this game? Doesn't matter, you're pure trash! Oh. You're gonna win the game? Oh. Well I'm just gonna sit here in the 3rd row then, and, read the program. Oh look, Kris Humphries is listed as 6'7''. Sorry guys. We didn't need to win that game though, right?"

Oh, and Jamario Moon, you can't put a piece of tape above the free throw line, then miss by that much. You might as well put the tape at mid-court and go in for a finger roll.

SUNDAY!

The best 13 minute rendition of Oh Canada ever. There's 1 Canadian player, and 1 player from a Canadian team. Let's try to keep the anthem under 90 seconds.

The colour on the back of the East uniform was the same colour as the front of the West uniform, so that when the West was on offence, you couldn't tell who was on which team. Pass it to a guy in white! All 10 of them are open!
________________________

Coming up this week, things not about Basketball. I file a report from Dunedin Florida, and I'll post the first edition of The Panel.

Real Talk To All Ya'll

I'm in an NBA mood right now. It's All-Star Weekend and last week, Your Toronto Raptors celebrated their 1000th regular season game in the NBA. This team has come a long way from the once that fielded future hall-of-famers: Zan Tabak, Ed Pickney, Carlos Rogers, and Acie Earl. I love this team more than any other team, in any other league, but I've never been too keen on the name Raptors. It's something I live with and try to ignore.

After the franchise was announced, there was a "Name Game Contest" to, well, name the franchise. Now originally there was a list of about 50 names that could be voted on by the public. I tried real hard to find this original list, but the internet let me down. On this list, though, I am certain that the Toronto Towers, and the Toronto Jam existed. Now of the 50 top names I was enamoured with the Toronto Jam, because I figured we'd all say it like Fresh Prince ("Jay-om"). But my friends were on to another name that would be cooler. The Raptors (Jurassic Park being a huge movie at the time). The Raptor was the single most feared creature in the dinosaur kingdom, because they could open doors and cabinets. So if they're the most feared dionsaurs, who, are the most feared creatures ever, then they surely must be feared by a mere Bull or Jazz. And, wouldn't you know it, The Raptors made the top 10.

The other day I thought surely there must have been a better, more dynastic name in the top 10 that wouldn't have sounded as strange 13 years later, but...

Toronto NBA Franchise Names, Top 10:
Beavers, Bobcats, Dragons, Grizzlies, Hogs, Raptors, Scorpions, T-Rex, Tarantulas, and Terriers.
.....


Raptors is looking prettty good right now. None of these names scream "storied franchise". I doubt people would be talking about the great Hogs Dynasty of the early 2010s. Imagine even having to say Toronto Tarantulas transition offence. Or having to hear a Chuck Swirsky say "Open left elbow shot... book it... now that's Beaver Basketball".


When the Raptors name was favoured, and ultimately picked, there were rumors that the stadium would actually be called Jurassic Park. As in, "we're gonna take the subway down to Jurassic Park to catch the Raptors in action". This seems silly in retrospect, considering this age of corporate sponsorship. It's like calling the stadium the Grizzlies play in: The Forest, or the Wizards' stadium: A Tower.

It almost feels like a rule, that if you have an expansion team, regardless of the league, you MUST have a terrible team name:

San Jose Earthquakes of the MLS (there will only be one Earthquake, and He was paired with Typhoon, and they were 1 time holders of the Tag Championships)

Nashville Predators (Dateline ruined this one)

Tampa Bay Devil Rays (They can't even open doors or cabinets)

Charlotte Bobcats (We're running out of animals)

News & Notes:

-Recently, the NBA slam dunk contest has been about as exciting as a Pinball machine based on the movie Twister. Here's hoping Jamario Moon does something more entertaining than the Bill Paxton Multi-Ball.

- The Maple Leafs Franchise is so backwards I'm betting they lose enough to get mathematically eliminated from the playoffs, then win every game after to get mathematically eliminated from the Stamkos sweepstakes.

- Right now on Raptors TV Amare Stoudemire is getting his future read by a tarot card reader. All she's saying is "you're going to have to make decisions". It's gonna be a great weekend.

Gotta go, the Celebrity All Star Game is on. Taylor Hicks and Ne-Yo, underrated back-court tandem.

HEL-LO!!

ES-B-N. Get it? It's the first letter of my first name, and it rhymes with P. Hahahahahahahahaha.


This site is my outlet for writing jokes about sports. A while ago it was brought to my attention that I had a tendency to write a large amount of sketches about baseball. When these sketches weren't about baseball, they would be about golf, or football, or finger rolls, or stadium DJ's. So instead of fighting it, I've decided to embrace the lunacy of professional sports.

On with the show.

My housemate Chuck Marshall exploded in anger on Friday when it was said on TSN that Leafs blueliner Pavel Kubina had a no-trade clause in his contract, effectively making it impossible to trade him unless he okayed the move. His rage was over the fact that Kubina is a large piece of garbage and, due to this clause, it will be difficult to trade this large piece of garbage.

This is why no-trade clauses are all kinds of nonsense:


Let's say that you own a house that has 5 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, and no windows. Living space is cramped, to say the least. Someone is moving out and you have a room to fill now. A friend moves in from out of town and you say, "This guy is great! Let's lock him up into this house. Perfect fit." So you want this dude to move in so bad, you say, "I'll never evict you." Dude says, "Wow, killer deal, done-zo." He moves in and you maybe have a party to welcome him. All of a sudden, buddy starts to get annoying by leaving bags of bread on the couch and trying to solve the case on Law & Order before everyone else (when he gets it he yells "sovled! boy-os"). Now, let's say that you're also PAYING this person to live with you, and that you can't stop paying them to live there until THEY say it's ok for you to stop paying them, AND you have to find them another house to leave bread in.

Silly, hey?

No trade clauses should be saved for your guaranteed top roommates. Your guys that bring the most to the table (xbox's, dvds, couches). Not people who bring bread and cats.

Here are a couple of the worst roommates in the NHL:

Niclas Wallin (Carolina Hurricanes)
7 Points, -15 in 41 games. No Trade Clause. Well, he must have had a big season lately to warrant this very nice stipulation, oh wait, last year he had 10 points in 67 games, and the year before 8 points in 50 games. Whatever we do we are NOT trading this guy.

Colin White (New Jersey Devils)
5 Points, -4 in 35 games. No Trade Clause. At least he always knows who the rapist was on Law & Order.

You know how many players in the NBA have no trade clauses? One. His name is Kobe Bryant. And he's the best.

But hey, Pavel Kubina came over last night and left my expensive cheese out on the counter, left the dish sponge sitting in dirty water, and got my towel sandy at the beach. Oh, right, and I paid him to do it, and now he won't leave.

You know what the best no trade clause is? Not playing like trash.

Solved! Boy-os.

"Chapters"? I Thought We Were Watching A Movie!

Watching Leafs interim general manager Cliff Fletcher during an interview, is like watching your grandfather try to use a DVD player. I caught the "Next Question" segment from Off The Record yesterday and here was the best exchange:

Landsberg - What was more surprising, the Patriots losing the Super Bowl, or the Leafs losing 8 nothing to Florida on Tuesday?

Fletcher - Well they both were surprising, but I was lucky, I had the winning bet in the Super Bowl.

Landsberg - Did you really, what was your bet?

Fletcher - Philadelphia in 12 points.

.....



Fletcher then left to go make a trade with the Cleveland Barons. His calls were not returned.

The Big Game

I am an unabashed fan of sports media. It is single handedly the most frustrating and joyous thing that graces my TV screen. I love pre-game shows, and analysis, and gatorade x-factors, and helmet cam, and serious debates about the U.S. National Olympic Two-Way Squad, and Charles and Kenny on TNT.

I laughed out loud when Bill Walton, during a game, referred to Charles Oakley as a "Veritable Quandary".

I died when during a Blue Jays game, commentator Jamie Campbell was interviewing former Jay Lloyd Moseby, and this was the actual conversation:

Campbell: So, what is it like to be back in Toronto after all these years?

Moseby: Actually, I'm here all the time.

Campbell: ......

Moseby: .......

Campbell: ........

Moesby: ......

Campbell: ... And here's the 2-2 pitch...


I applauded Fox Sports use of "Lead Off Technology" in the playoffs this year as the most wonderfully useless thing I had seen.

And when Vince Carter got traded for a man with a broken body, two "character guys", and some sneakers, I successfully predicted Leo Rautins reaction, which was "Boy, I like this trade!". Of course you do Leo.

I absolutely love these things, even though they also make me want to punch the screen. Which brings us to Super Bowl Sunday. Being at work yesterday, with zero customers, I decided to watch nothing but Pre-Game programming from 11am till the end of my shift at 4pm. My original plan was to then write a "Top 5 Stupidest Things I Saw Before The Superbowl" list, and rag on all the dumb things done by ESPN and FOX to kill broadcasting time. But yesterday was so above and beyond my expectations, and the silly moments kept coming so quickly that I was unable to keep up. So here are some of my personal favourites from yesterday, in no particular order.

1. Red Carpet Arrivals
Seacrest - "And now, ladies and gentlemen, the one and only Laurence FISHBURNE!!! Now Laurence, being an actor, you have to work under a lot of pressure. How are these guys going to focus out on field today?"

and of course

"How would Morpheus from the Matrix do out there in the Super Bowl?"

2. Grumpy Old Coaches
My absolute favourite segment because this is what it was in week 1.

Fox Executive - Hey, check this out, let's get two guys who are already on our regular panel, dress them up in Hawaiian shirts, have them sit on a set that looks like someone's Den, and have them say the same thing they said 5 minutes ago when they were wearing suits and sitting at the desk.

This segment was included this week, minus the shirts, and wacky set. So all we were left with was probing questions like "Does a coach feel pressure coaching in the Super Bowl?" And then Jimmy Johnson giggled a lot.

3. Dr. Phil
Impressionist Frank Caliendo inexplicably does a Dr. Phil sketch full of lame- wad jokes about Terry Bradshaw, then the real Dr. Phil comes out to "surprise" Caliendo and gets a huge ovation. Someone's 5 to 1:00am sketch is gonna get cut now.

4. More Bits
A group of actors playing New Yorkers comes across a group of actors playing Bostonians somewhere on Idiot Street. A 3 minute buildup to a West Side Story joke ensues.

5. Back To You Seacrest
"Here come the Giants, arriving at Univeristy of Pheonix Stadium. We will not be talking to them. But here comes William Moseley, from The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian, Opening soon."

All of this happened in about 3 hours and it's barely the tip of the iceberg. I'm sure I saw some kid rapping about touchdowns, and Sam Jackson did some lame promo for Jumper, Willie Nelson sang a song about cowboys before a game featuring two North Eastern teams, and those fighter jets did a fly by over a domed stadium.

And as I sit here finishing this, watching your Toronto Raptors rout the Miami Heat, commentator Chuck Swirsky just said the following: "Jack, I gotta tell you what I'm doing saturday night... I'm going curling!"

Ladies and Gentlemen, Planet Earth.